Piracanga: Child-raising - Looking At Yourself In The Mirror

SOMETIMES I feel as if I spend too much time around my son. Other times I think I don't give him enough of my attention.

Full-time parenting is a tough business, mainly because (if you are completely honest) you see yourself as you really are. Children, they say, are mirrors of ourselves: what you see in your child is often what he or she sees in you.

Some of us may find that difficult to accept or believe, especially during moments of 'bad' behaviour. But when I'm frank with myself - or when I hear Zenchai parrot what I've said to him - I know it to be mostly true. I recognise just how ridiculous or laughable or unfair I must sound.

I'm still struggling to find the balance, though, between allowing my son the freedom to be the five-year-old that he is and providing and protecting the boundaries I have set. He's at that age when he wants to really push those limits, so, as a parent, I feel I'm always being tested. It's exhausting. Sometimes I lack patience more than at other times.

We had an incident recently when Zenchai and another boy were on a construction site close to our home. When I went to check on them, I found them smashing up with a small spade the slates needed for building. I told the boys to wrap up play and put down their tools and then I took Zenchai to the other boy's house where we gave them a chance to speak up for themselves.

No matter how hard we (as parents) tried, Zenchai and his friend didn't fully understand the seriousness of their actions. But some would argue that five-year-olds cannot. They blamed each other, of course. Emotionally, they are too immature to understand.

The more I thought about it, the more I accepted and understood that Zenchai and his friend were just having fun, like any other kids his age would want to. The problem (or mistake or responsibility) was with me: I should have checked to see where they were (Zenchai had said he'd gone to play in the road) or I should have at least been there to observe what was going on.

Had I taken a deep breath before tackling the situation, I think I'd have handled it differently and more gently. But part of me wanted them to feel bad for what they had done. That's the truth. I was probably going to have to pay for the replacement slates. But really what's more important? Some slates or the well-being and self-esteem of two young, adventurous, fun-loving boys?

In the heat of the moment it's not always easy to remain calm and assured or to see things so clearly. I face this tussle each day with Zenchai. Having a younger sister has really caused him (and me) some anguish. Again, I get frustrated by his behaviour - the aggressiveness towards a three-month-old, his deliberate shrieking when Jamie is trying to put Kobra to sleep or breastfeed her etc. And in those moments I find it hard to empathise/sympathise with him.

It takes practice and endless amounts of patience. I know Zenchai is hurting and that he is confused. I can only imagine through the eyes of a five-year-old who for his entire life has been the centre of his parents' world how it must seem to suddenly see another child getting attention and love that would otherwise have been directed his way. So he fights for it - nearly all the time.

Even knowing this, I'm quick to protect Kobra when Zenchai's on the 'attack'. Maybe that looks to him like I am taking sides. But even when we devote time to Zenchai it never feels like it is enough for him.

We have taken him out of the local school (for a month now) in order to give him more of our attention. I'm not sure how much difference it has made or just whether we haven't found the right approach or this stage of his life is going to last a bit longer before he is 'healed'.

Whatever the resolution, I have to accept my part and real responsibility - to show Zenchai the changes I want to see. And, just as importantly, I have to accept him for who he is. The trick is to accept and not tolerate.

Several weeks ago we had a representative from Damanhur, an established intentional community in Italy, giving seminars here. And during one class, on the subject of conflict resolution (between adults), he said something that confirmed what I said earlier about children mirroring our behaviour.

"Usually when there is a conflict with a person, we look at what we don't like in that person," he said. "But really it's because they are showing us something we don't like in ourselves. So we say that the first step in conflict resolution is to look internally."

For all my conflict with Zenchai I need to go internally. I know from when he repeats to me what I may have ordered him to do in a moment of frustration that the forceful, demanding and anger-based approach doesn't really work, that he feels disrespected and unheard, just the things I - and many of us - dislike.

I must set the example and be patient. Often we expect too much of our children and forget how young they are. I'm certainly as guilty as anyone of this.

I thought when I had children that I would be the teacher to them about life, but I am, in fact, discovering quite the opposite. Thanks, Zenchai, for all the continual reminders.

*This blog came to me at 3am on a sleepless night. You can never be sure when you will feel inspired.

Comments

[Lyndsey]

Enjoyed this very much - your transparency is very readable.

[Laura]

Wonderful post, Claude... and you can totally tell it comes from a space of total honesty and integrity... thank you for this beautiful sharing!

Your neighbour, Laura

[Phoebe]

If you ever wonder if anyone out there reads the blog or if you are making a difference, the answer's yes! I was searching info on San Marcos Sierra Argentina and brought up your site. There was one other place that sounded like "perra conga" my friend recc'd me to but was having trouble getting leads. b/c I liked the posts you wrote on San Marcos Sierra (which, btw, looks a LOT like a place I lived earlier this year, Vilcambamba, Ecuador, who also consider their valley a paradise). Anyways, it had me curious where your (beautiful btw) family was now so clicked on Aug 2011 and Alas! PIRACANGA was in the title, i knew right away that waS it! thanks for being so thorough.
phoebe, anoher traveler
ps. fall 2010 traveled all europe by car (40 countries) and i also think croatia (and norway) are the top picks for most beautiful, nature wise.