World Travel: The Journey Has Only Just Begun

I GET the impression many people think we are living the idyllic existence. In some ways perhaps we are. On the outside nearly every day I see sunshine, nature, ocean, sand, beaches and river. However, on the inside the dark clouds have been gathering.

The build-up of frustration has been long and slow. What started as a journey of great exploration and adventure with my family has become more of an internal examination, especially since arriving in Piracanga, Brazil in January. 

I've known for a long time that happiness and fulfilment doesn't come from your environment (miserable people will take their misery anywhere, regardless of the surroundings). However, we thought being in a beautiful location would certainly improve our lifestyle. All it's done is remind us and confirm to us that true joy comes only from what you feel on the inside.  

There are many factors I didn't consider when we started travelling and if I did, I didn't consider them thoroughly enough. 

Being on the move with a family is tough. Very tough. Being all together in one place 24/7 is also incredibly demanding. We are now four and not three. That in itself has added to the pressure. The pot has been boiling. We just didn't realise the heat was on. Now we see the steam. 

We knew we needed some help and then, as if she were sent from heaven, met Shiroma, a former Steiner and Freeschool teacher wise beyond her years.

Almost every night for two weeks we talked openly and honestly for hours and examined every detail of our family. Everything, it seemed, was connected, going back to Jamie and my own childhood experiences. 

Shiroma helped us better understand and remind us what's going on in particular with Zenchai and also him in relation to travelling: how making friends and then seeing them leave - or leaving himself - can be heart-breaking; how we, the parents, need to be more patient and give him the security when he needs it; how what the parents feel is also felt by the children; how devoting all/most your time to your child can cause him or her to become over-stimulated and how Zenchai really has had nowhere to call 'home' for almost two years.

Shiroma asked Jamie how she felt and she said 'tired'. I said 'lost'. Then she looked at us and said, "That's what Zenchai is feeling from you." No wonder he has been in turmoil.

Add in the arrival of his sister, too. He's feeling confused and insecure. Zenchai has just wanted to feel safe.

His confidence took a jolt, though, before Kobra arrived, around the time we landed in Argentina late last year. While I've always tried to encourage him to be confident, I realise now that there were times when he simply wasn't ready to take certain steps by himself. 

We moved a lot and finding other kids for Zenchai to play with was difficult. Jamie and I were Zenchai's only security. There were times when we were puzzled by his reluctance to leave our sides and venture to meet other kids. But now it's clearer why.

In Piracanga, Brazil there were plenty of kids for him to play with. But he was getting adjusted to a new environment again. He went to the school, but didn't like it. His behaviour towards other children in Brazil has at times been very challenging. But it was not due to a lack of confidence or language skills. Kids always find a way to communicate and Zenchai now speaks decent Portuguese. 

But because Zenchai has been so used to leaving locations, it's caused him a lot of heartbreak and, consequently, some of his stormy behaviour has been only as a means to protect himself. 

The impact of Kobra's arrival is too detailed to go into here. Suffice to say with everything else going on, Zenchai's struggled to know his place in the new family set-up and he has been fiercely resisting the change. 

And everything has heaped strain on Jamie and myself. Since leaving England in February 2010, we have functioned almost entirely as mother and father and not as Jamie and Claude. That's why I said I felt 'lost'. It's easy to lose yourself with parental responsibilities when it's full-time.

For me, in particular, it's been hard to reconcile. I chose to leave a satisfying, secure and decently-paid job to dedicate time with my family and then discovered I had little, if any, time to myself - to do what I wanted to do, even if only for a few minutes each day. In Piracanga, which is so remote, that feeling really intensified.

Someone recently described to me how Piracanga is like a 'washing machine for the soul' - it spins you around from the inside and cleans you up. I feel like I'm still on the fast wash setting!

Also, I now realise that Zenchai needs a break from us, too - that he has to rediscover his ability to play by himself for long periods (essential for grounding). His insecurity and need for attention has taken him away from that. 

We've accepted it's vital to carve out chunks of time for each parent to have to themselves and to do something they enjoy. It makes for happier people. I'd recommend that as a priority for any family contemplating a journey like we have done. 

We're still working on it, starting with an hour a day, but it doesn't always happen. The alternative, though, is frustrated, angry parents and those emotions are then transferred to the children, creating instability. Not good.

And while I thought Zenchai would adore having us both around all the time, the reality is that he saw me as competition for Jamie's attention - a rival, in fact. Until I stopped work, he had Jamie to himself. Now we are trying to mend that rift.

Yet Shiroma (pictured above) called us the 'most conscious parents she had ever met'. I felt really flattered by that compliment, even if on the inside I didn't/couldn't believe it. 

Jamie and I really do try, though we've made mountain-loads of mistakes along the way, as does every parent. Now is the time to rectify them and change patterns for the future, hard as it is.

Does it mean we will stop travelling? Does it mean this travelling adventure hasn't been worth it? After all, Zenchai needs a place he can call home. 

For us, though, the latter is not about having concrete or wooden structures to live in. It's about internal stability and that could - and should - be our family circle. That family circle, when solid, can go anywhere. 

Our time in Brazil has been deeply introspective - far from what we had anticipated. Although it has been testing, we've had many fantastic moments and met wonderful people. I am pleased I came. Had I not, I possibly wouldn't know what I know today. I wouldn't be making the changes I need to make. 

Maybe we were guided here in order to begin the healing process within our family and there can be nothing more important than that. 

In reality, the journey has only just begun. 

 

Comments

[veronika]

Thanks for sharing such an intimate journey. Your profound reflections are deeply moving, and I hope that they offer other families (even those not travelling) deep insights...for we all 'travel' in one way or another and we can do so consciously, open-heartedly and lovingly or asleep, blind and fearful. Keep up the good work!

[Claude]

Thank you for such a supportive message, Veronika. As you are an esteemed writer (and on the subject of parenting), your words, as ever, possess great value for me, especially as it's been a seriously challenging year. You are right, of course, that we are all 'travelling'. That will never end.