MY physical rejuvenation was very slow. But my attention for seven days switched from body to mind and emotions. I didn’t experience any internal upheaval. I was very happy, centred, stable and calm. It was a beautiful week.
I could drink again. In my pre-‘process’ gluttonous way, I looked at the fruits in the kitchen and thought it wouldn’t last more than a few days.
But I found, despite a week of complete fasting, I didn’t need much. The first day I consumed only 1 ¾ litres of diluted fruit juice and coconut water. I made all the drinks fresh myself, using a hand-powered blender and pushing each drop methodically through a strainer.
I didn’t force myself to do anything, instead trying to listen to my body. When I was satisfied, I’d put my juice aside. When I was thirsty I would drink.
Thoughts of food, which filled my mind the first week, disappeared slowly. I was never really hungry, even if at night I could feel my stomach burning. Usually, my ‘dinner’ consisted of ½ litre of coconut water by candlelight around 6pm.
Slowly my intake increased. By the end of the week I was comfortably consuming three-four litres daily. The fruits – pineapple, mango, papaya, passion fruit, orange, cupuacu, banana – were delicious, but nothing topped sweet coconut water. People pay ridiculous prices for vintage wine, but give me coconut water – at R1 per coconut – any day.
I didn’t regain any weight. If anything I lost more. I noticed by the end of the week my arms had got thinner and my shoulders narrower. Though I got stronger, I found my conditioning still wanting. I continued with my yoga daily, but anything vigorous was a struggle. One day, when after swimming a few lengths of the lake, I could feel soreness in my hamstrings. It reminded me to take things easier.
And so I did. While in the first week I had no desire to read much, the second was different.
When I left London 14 months ago, I took with me only one book. It was by Byron Katie called Loving What Is. I’d read it about six years ago and really enjoyed it. However, I hadn’t touched it in all the time I was in Brazil. But when I went into the ‘process’, I thought it would make the perfect companion as the book is about self-examination and following it is a process in itself.
Katie’s work helped me immensely during the ‘recovery’. I felt drawn to examine relationships, past and present, and to deal with anything that caused me fear, anxiety or confusion.
I found myself waking up in the night like a yo-yo, switching on my lamp and writing letters of gratitude and apology. I found a lot of peace in myself.
I had called off the troops – on myself and others. It may not be the same for everyone, but I realised what is important to me isn’t what happens next, that all I ‘need’ is to enjoy where I am and what I am doing – to be fully present and live my truth and not the illusions of the stories I had been attached to.
I reflected on my family travels and could see only positives in the amazing experiences Zenchai, at only five, had been through and how he has developed.
My love swelled for Zenchai, my precious, extraordinary and misunderstood little boy. I look forward to sharing more wonderful adventures with him and learning from him.
That was another discovery for me – that my family are my teachers. They show me better than anyone what I need to find in myself. Thank you to them. Though I was a long way from them and had no contact, energetically I felt very connected. I wrote a special note of thanks to my daughter, Kobra. It said: “Thank you for showing me the potential of my own love and the power of a smile.”
It was indeed a humbling week. I felt peace where before I noticed anger or confusion or frustration. I felt content where before I was restless.
Time is a great teacher and I had lots of it. I never once felt lonely or bored even though I was nearly always alone. I didn’t long to speak with anyone or think about emails. I had no schedule – nothing to wait for. There were no real distractions to make me think `I need to do this´ or ‘I need to do that’. I didn’t oppose anything – thoughts or tasks.
The forest, lake, clouds, wildlife and plants was my TV – and in high definition with incredible surround sound. My head provided the commentary. I never tired of the picture.
It didn’t bother me much whether it rained, was hot and sunny, cloudy or cold. I was in a space of acceptance. Some days I just wanted to stay in bed, wrapped up in my blankets – and I did. On others I sat in the lake and watched the world around me.
My experience would take on a new dimension on Day 12, however, when I moved in to the forest. It meant more isolation. But it brought out in me the inner child. I was excited. Pitching a tent in a crumbling, half-constructed tree house with no running water or toilet, building fires, spending the night in darkness, often with powerful storms, felt adventurous. And it was.
My new location, though, meant I was further from my food source and the lake. The five-minute walk to the lake – which Silvia called ¨going to the city¨ - required a very steep climb (which is why it’s usually from Day 10 that guests are invited to move to the forest). I got used to it, slowly. Usually, I go up mountains with ease. But my legs were still recovering from the first week.
The second week passed briskly, smoothly and effortlessly, though I felt as if I had been through a lot, like a great weight had been ditched. I wondered, if only briefly and with a magical sense of expectation rather than impatience, what the final week could possibly bring.
Thanks for the beautiful description. What a peaceful experience! So happy to hear you having these awakenings.
Posted by: liz | 28 October 2011 at 11:36 PM